✦ Tuesday 12.31.24 ✦

Hey

So, it's the end of the year, isn't it? So much has happened in just one year that I can't believe how fast time has gone by. I often reflect on it, and I realize that I can spend long hours thinking about it without stopping. It was a beautiful year, and I want to write about it today before it ends. Today I cleaned my room, scheduled, and opened my Christmas presents! My mom gave me a lot of presents, and I'm happy about that. I also prepared presents for my partner. I put together three giant boxes with lots of presents and chocolates, and bought a 129-piece professional drawing set for him.

Besides this, I bought him a Nintendo 3DS and added games to it, I really hope to make him happy, he is an amazing person and I want to make him happy. I love him so much and his happiness along with my friends' happiness means a lot to me. Ah, this year was full of memories and I keep every single one of them in my memory box. My memory box is very small but every single thing in it is so precious to me that I just love them. For example, among my memories, one of my friends, Moch, gave me a cute electronic heart to assemble.



Honestly, I'm pretty happy to have amazing friends, like Sely or Regre, they are amazing people to me and they make me happy. This year wouldn't be the same without them. Sorry, maybe I'm too nostalgic? lol, I can't help it, I always think about the past, about the little details, and I admire each one of them because I learned to value life with the time I grew up and spent in the mental hospital... Brother, life has been good this year. I hope amazing things come for this 2025, for me, for my family, friends, and for you, who read this. There are days when I just feel really bad and sad, but I try to cheer myself up by thinking about all these things and I come face to face with my past self. My life hasn't been perfect, it's been full of a lot of pain and a long road, but things are starting to look good for me at last and I'm thankful for that.

Sometimes I need to remind myself that things aren't that bad, you know? I can be quite negative at times and I try to keep a balance for my mental health. After two years of trying so many medications, I am finally stable and at peace with my mental illness. I thought that psychosis had condemned me for life... and it's true. I can't go back to being the same, but that doesn't mean things are over and I know that eventually, what I thought was my biggest enemy at the beginning, may in the end be one of my closest friends. Psychosis and I have been together for years, and I can't fight it, but finding peace in the storm of it means.

Sometimes... The things that could be negative symptoms are the ones that really hit me the hardest. Flat affect that I can force to sound like I have emotions, but I rarely have any emotions at all. Anhedonia, avolition, and apathy hit me hard. Sometimes, you know? I can't even perceive or begin to care about my future or what happens to me. I have no motivation to do anything. I struggle to find joy in most things, most of the time, even things I used to like. When I was in the mental hospital, I couldn't recognize faces. I was always dissociated and derealized since I was like 13. My memory is terrible. I'm 19 and a lot of this stuff, especially the hallucinations, got worse in the winter when I was 17. At that time, I stopped being the person I was before, having to deal with the same issues, but with so few memories to go on with the past.

Oh well... But now, things are different and I feel like I have more strength to handle my disorder. That makes me happy. It feels like... no, not just any happiness, but a calm kind of happiness that feels like you're sitting in the middle of a forest and fog. It's scary, yes, but you know you'll be okay. This year was like that for me. Calm and a lot of silence but with moments of happiness and a feeling of nostalgia. It feels like I'm a kid again, which is funny, because I don't have many memories in my mind from when I was a kid.

I'm sure my 17 year old self still exists in me, so maybe... I will be able to speak with him and helped him heal a bit someday. ...Well, maybe I should stop rambling so much. Thanks for reading everything if you made it this far! I originally didn't have much to write, but then I got distracted and started writing all this, lol.